2010-05-18

[Cheesy Title Involving a 'Gnome' Pun]

Last Wednesday I returned to my apartment and found these two gnomes sitting in my chair.  It freaked me out.  I actually lost some sleep that evening.
While I had been at my small group,, someone illegally entered into my property and terrorized my life.  May God have mercy on their souls and not go all wrathful like I had just been reading about in book of Jeremiah.
Adding to my confusion there was a notice from the apartment complex on my floor.  Had the apartment employees broken into my place?  Why wouldn't they just put the note in the door like normal?  And why heck did they put garden gnomes in my chair?
The next morning I took the gnomes to the main office and politely asked if they had placed the gnomes in my apartment.  They said no, but offered to change the locks on my door.
Office Lady: "Who has your spare key?"
Me: "Did you give me a spare key?"
OW: "Yes"
M: "Oh"
OW: "Check with them and let us know if you need us to change your locks."
At this time I began to suspect what they were suggesting as well.
I returned to my place and dialed up the person who I had given my spare key to: my senior pastor's wife Kris.  Just in case I were to die and not show up for several days it would be best if someone could to check in on me.
K: "Hey Trevor."
M: Without any hellos, "Did I give you a key to my apartment?"
K: "Um. I don't want to say anything and incriminate anyone."
M: "Thanks.  Who else was involved?
K: "Um. I don't want to say anything and incriminate anyone."
M: "Alright.  Bye."
K: "Bye."
She had given the key to her husband, breaking "the circle of trust"; all of that reminding me of a Seinfeld episode.  Suddenly a plan formulated in my mind, because you can't just let something like this happen without a response.  I called Kris back.
M: "Kris, have you told anyone that I know yet."
K: "No."
M: "Okay.  If you keep it that way, no retaliation will be directed towards you."
K: "Deal."
After a quick second visit to the apartment's office asking for a fake eviction notice I began to send out several tweets.

  • The circle of trust in my life has been broken. Door locks are being changed.  via txt
  • Arguing w/ my apt mgmt to change my locks.they are refusing saying they didn't enter my apt,but clearly i found their paperwk on my floor  via txt
  • RT @jonmcclarnon: @tsharrison circle of trust....hahaha#meettheparents // not funny...apt people are entering my apt w/o my knowing...  via txt
  • RT @travishinton: @tsharrison Wow. I'd be willing to call that a breach of ur contract, just in case u want to leave. Sorry dude. // agreed  via txt
  • Well...after a heated argument...we agreed that i can move out at the end of the month, no penalty fees...going to lunch to release steam... via txt
  • After a bad angry morning a Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap w/ pineapple from Red Robin is gonna hit the spot.. via txt

And so I headed to lunch at Red Robin.  Joining me was two friends and my senior pastor (@jonmcclarnon). Jon showed up last, so I prepped my friends, by letting them know the story and preparing them for me to act indignant.
Jon arrived.  And I quickly offered up my best Brando:
Me: "Dude, this morning sucked."
Jon: "Trevor it was me."
M: "What?"
J: "I put the gnomes there."
M: "What?"
J: "I'm really sorry.  It was me."
M: "Are you serious?"
J: "I'm really sorry"
M: "Are you serious Jon?  I just got done yelling at those apartment women."
J: "I'm sorry.  I got your tweets, but I was in [with the doctor] and couldn't reply."
M: "I said some really bad words."
J: "I texted Kris 'stop him' but I guess she didn't get it in time."
At one point one of our lunch companions started in as well:
Lunch Companion: "Trevor, you're going to have to apologize."
J: "I'm sorry."
M: "I have to be out of the apartment by the end of the month."
J: "I'm really sorry."
LC: "I guess you're spending your afternoon helping him find a new place."
M: "I almost called the cops on those people."
LC: "Maybe Trevor can stay at your house."
J: Burying his head in his hands, "Ugh. I'm really sorry."
It was at this point I just felt bad.  So I went ahead and scraped the month long scheme.  Forgot about the eviction notice being written.  Gave up my search for boxes to pack up my apartment.  Erased from my to-do list "find a realtor who'll play along".
M: "Me too, because I've been messing with you the whole time."
At first Jon didn't believe me, but it became quickly obvious.
Now I just need to figure out what the heck to do with these gnomes.

5 comments:

Carlottamarie said...

that is AWESOME!!!

PETE Di LALLO said...

Very funny post...
it reminded me of three things I really hate (don't like):
gnomes, mimes and clowns...
I'm not crazy about monkeys either...

Crystal said...

This is what I have to deal with as an employee of TNC. This is why church secretaries go "postal". All I know is I better not find an gnomes anywhere near me or my house!!!

Kurt said...

Trevor, you are the Man! That is awesome. Personally, I would have tried to get a little money out of Jon first before giving in, but "Well played, Mauer."

Jon McClarnon said...

I conceded that it was funny...but so is the fact that others have now picked up on the theme! http://tweetphoto.com/23650357