Two confessions today. I’ll post the second soon enough.
This morning it did not take long until I was suffering from a headache. After 29 years I have finally decided to get contacts (mainly because the examination, the trial lenses and the tutorial only cast $20 more with my regular exam), which has not helped my headache. My eyes are still adjusting and my mind is still in disbelief that what I’m seeing is real. Add this together with the obsessive nagging I have to deal with from the time I punch in until the time I lock the doors and the pressure behind my eyes was almost unbearable.
There was only one cure. I gathered enough change from my change drawer and set off to Chick-fil-A. While a Dr. Pepper and an order of waffle fries have the combined power of ten Tylenol, I had to settle for the less effective sweet tea and waffle fry combo. (58 days strong into the Dr. Pepper fast…yahoo?!) Surely this would ease the throbbing. Plus I can sit alone and read my book and the crew that works there leaves me alone. Solitude, peace and manna from heaven.
However when I pulled into the parking lot a small framed aged woman approached me asking for 85 cents. I’m not sure what 85 cents does for a person, maybe bus fare, but I lied to her and told her I might have some change when I left. I actually left with $1.43 in change.
I’m trying to be Christ-like, in fact I’ve been trying for 21 out of my 29 years, and today I lied about 85 cents. My selfishness refused a woman 85 cents. Will I ever begin to resemble Jesus? I could have easily skipped the sweet tea and enjoyed a cup of water instead. Some days I feel that I have inched no closer to Christ than when I first begun this journey.
As I sat in the booth thinking about this, no longer able to enjoy my afternoon retreat, the sound system in the restaurant began to play Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin. I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the incredible love of our God. My enormous selfishness cannot compare to the immense love of God.
Rich Mullins called it “the wreckless raging fury”. Actually I feel the need to print the entire songs lyrics. Kind of a meditative release for me. Otherwise I’ll end up crying again, which caused a few uncomfortable glances from the Chick-fil-A crowd. No one needs that.
The Love of God
By Rich Mullins
There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love
Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God
Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
