Social Claustrophobia

Friday I had a uncomfortable reunion with family I was meeting for the first time.

It was an awkward evening.  Not the reunions, but the circumstance around the reunion.  I have a cousin who was married on Saturday, which was the cause for the gathering on Friday evening.  And several out of town guest had all gathered at one home.

Which leads me to my confession.

I have social claustrophobia.

I don't enjoy large parties.  Especially large parties in small rooms.  For some reason I don't function well.  I don't open up completely.  Even if it's in a group of people that I've known for years.  My elbows seem to always be floating up, and I feel like my personal space is being more crowded (why is that?).

I end up hovering to the edges of the room and watching people.  I don't quite break out into cold sweats, but my palms do get clammy.  

Being surrounded frustrates me.  

I don't care for crowded restaurants, amusement parks, theaters, clothing stores, grocery stores, house parties, cars, airplanes, caves....you get the picture.

There is something very physical to my social claustrophobia, but there is also something else.  I don't even act myself.  

I lose my self-confidence.  

I lose my sense of humor.  

My personality crawls into a shell.  

I'm not sure why.

But I have also noticed a couple of exceptions to those.  

First: I love being in the crowd root, root, rooting for the home team.  Getting caught up in a baseball game with a crowd is an exhilarating experience.

Second: A large church gathering.  I may still try to push myself to the edges, but there is joy in worshipping with others, and it is worth the uncomfortableness.  

Any other social claustrophobiacs (sp? claustrophobians?) out there?

"Hello, I'm Trevor"

This past Friday I met several relatives that I have never met before or had not seen in over 25 years, included my biological father.  

I spent much of the evening saying "Hello, I'm Trevor" to wide-eyed faces of relatives, shocked to see me after so many years.

I'm still trying to work through my thoughts on the whole event.  I don't process well.  Maybe some day I'll be able to articulate it all clearer.  

Aunts and uncles and cousins and of course my father...er...dad...um...I don't know how to quickly reference him.  Maybe just Mondo.  That's his name.

Severaly close people to me have felt that I needed this reunion and that I have deep seeded emotional issues because of the lack of this relationship.  

I don't know about that.

I do know I went to this reunion, not necessarily for myself.  I don't have that deep longing inside of me to know these relationships.  I can understand my older brothers though who sought these family members out.  I just honestly don't.  And maybe that's a problem.  

I might someday grow to love them.  

Several times throughout the night I was told, "Trevor this is your family."

I might someday grow to believe that.

I went to this reunion, because ultimately I felt that I would have been holding something back that others needed.  These people needed to see me and have a chance to know me.   

I went so I didn't feel guilty for failing to serve someone, when all that would be requied is a simple "showing up".

I'll try to share more as I think about it.

Also there are pictures out there.  If I find them I'll post them too.